This is the grin
This is why I paint. The feeling behind that grin. Not a good look, I’m weather bedraggled and woke up in the grip of a painting frenzy that stopped any notion of personal grooming. But that’s the ‘her’ I long to be the rest of the time. The grin of delight that says: “worked hard, pleased for once!”. This is why I put up with being underwhelmed by myself most of the time. For anyone else who chases these moments regularly, you’ll completely understand. Everyone has felt those moments. As a child, hooking your first fish out of the water? Getting a first brownie or scout badge? First time you tasted your favourite food? But to experience them regularly requires fairly obsessive practice of something. Which in turn requires the ability to withstand disappointing yourself a lot of the time. In this moment, I’m not a wife, friend, daughter, dog-cuddler, self-doubt merchant, marketeer, earner, planner, cake-eater ... anything. What’s left often doesn’t feel like me. She doesn’t even look like me! I’m a little in awe of her. She creates, then melts away leaving me wondering if I can paint like that again. I’ve never seen her before because nobody has ever pointed a camera in her face, until my friend Maddy did yesterday. Pleased to meet you!
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